Rainbows, and Unicorns, and Cupcakes...Not...

Today was sort of a rough day. It's not that it was bad (well not until like 7:30pm) it's just SUPER long. I have like 6 classes on Tuesdays they start and 8 in the morning and end at 8:20 at night. Now I have a few hours in there so don't think I'm going to class 12 and half hours on Tuesdays, but it's enough classes to be a little stressful. I looked my best, and started my day off with exercise at 6 am. I got coffee at Bongo so I could function in class, and had little freak out moments throughout the day over forgetting which class I had to be at and if I had everything ready for that class. I ate dinner with a friend and by this time my heels were torn to shreds. (Remember how I said I looked my best...yea well after 2 days of walking in some seriously vicious heels and flats my feet were completely jacked up..), this wasn't a problem, I know just like the next girl that beauty is pain people and sometimes in order for me to feel like I can get through the day, I have to have confidence...and sometimes knowing that I look as cute as I can is 98% of that confidence. I hope I've painted a picture for you...the day was full of oppurtunities, to either succeed or fail. In the end I felt like it was sort of mediocre. I was exhausted from all the freak out sessions and the getting up at 5:30 to walk but I still had one more class to go...*dun dun DUN* music theory lab. Um first I would just like to say I had no idea what the heck this class was for. I was excited because someone under the age of 100 was teaching it and so that was promising (I love all my teachers it's just sorta refreshing to see a younger face) but I still didn't know what it was all about. I go in the class (trying not to limp but just making the fact that I walk on my toes stand out about 154 times more that it ever did because my heels were really starting to sting) and sit down. The class starts and we all say the usual our name, major, and the timeless question why Belmont? After that was done Ryan (the teacher) says, "We all have this wall we need to get past because we will have to sing alot in this class and so we might as well do it now."...hmm ok no problem.. I knew this day would come and it's fine I have five people before me and Ryan says we just need to sing a few lines of a song. Five people turned into four people, and four people turned to three people and before you know it it's my turn. At this point it's important you know every sense that was in action. I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up, cry, and hyperventilate all at once. I couldn't even freakin remember the words to Amazing Grace. I was stumbling around trying to grasp for words to a song.. ANY SONG. Finally I say, "Um ok lets go for Jesus Loves Me." The teacher is almost excited by this choice because I look so crazed and ridiculous. I then proceeded to sing the most wretched Jesus Loves Me I have ever attempted in my life. To add to it I nodded my head along with the rhythm because I was nervous and that is just what you do. Everyone clapped politely and smiled and said good job and moved along while I desired more than anything on Earth that God would strike me dead with lightning right then and there. The end of the class came and I limped outside yanked my shoes off and walked out into the middle of the courtyard and stopped. I was terrified and sick to my stomach. My gag reflex hadn't stopped spazzing since the tragedy in the classroom, and I was about to crumple onto the grass and cry in front of alot of people. (And I don't cry...it's like if someone is around my tear ducts get retarded) I was so depressed and was about to call Meagan to tell her how awful all this was and how I couldn't possibly do this and then I stopped. Me and God have something special...we exchange love letters. I write down my prayers (which are not always love letters I must admit) and He sends me lightning bugs, It's not always a lightning bug but that is my sure fire sign that God is right there in front of me telling me that He loves me and He's not ever going to leave me. So as I was standing there instead of calling my peeps I said, "God I need a lightning bug. I think I'm going to have some sort of breakdown if you don't give me a stinking light bug right here, right now." I looked around. I looked everywhere without moving. I was completely defeated and was about to walk away when RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME a little lightning bug flashed twice and then flew away.
I know this is a pretty typical, cheesy story similar to the ones you get in fwd emails all the time but I wanted you to know from someone that had a sucky day and doesn't feel all "Woo hoo Jesus is the bomb, and He fixes all my problems, and I never have to worry about anything, and blah blah blah" God is present and He will not leave you. My day still sucked a bit but He never left my side and He never will. He will sustain me and hold me. He will be enough and give me what I need to bring Him glory. To be honest I still feel down, and if someone walked up and offered me an entire gallon of Ben&Jerry's Chunkey Munkey ice cream I would probably eat the whole thing and not feel a bit sorry, but I know that there is a reason that I'm here. I know that if I seek HIm nothing can stop me from finding Him and glorfying Him. I shall rest in the Lord and find peace that surpasses all understanding. I would encourage you to do the same. I hope your day didn't suck but whoever you are, and wherever you are, realize that we have to let our fear and stress go. Whatever happens if you are His and He is yours...it's all going to be good. Because that is what the Lord, our Father, and Lover wants for us...our good.
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

Great Expectations...

So here I am at college!!! Things are great, the weather is beautiful, the people are sweet, and the music is...amazing. Now you should know that college isn't perfect. I'm feeling alot of things that I sort of expected and some I did not. The truth is I have alot of expectations for myself here. I am planning on working out (the freshman fifteen will NOT get me down!), being super involved, being amazing at music, developing study habits (since I have none), having straight A's, finding a church, being plugged into that church, never procrastinating, knowing everyone on campus, never getting lost, never being late to class, being great with money,writing great songs, never eating lunch by myself etc etc...I'm planning on being perfect. This is a time in my life where I can start over and be someone that I might've wanted to be but couldn't be...right? That's what everyone has told me. That this is the time to do things right. If I don't it could mean my future, my life, it could mean EVERYTHING. So shouldn't I shoot for the stars? Shouldn't I be that person? That person I've always wanted to be? The perfect person?... Well folks, college is great but it's no magic maker. Relocating to Nashville doesn't mean I will turn into Superwoman. The ugly truth is I am scared to death. I am scared to disappoint people. I'm afraid that I will never be enough. Sure I was great in Memphis, but I mean we have 2,479 people there. No offense but the competition wasn't all that fierce. Now I'm in Nashville taking this huge chance, wanting to prove to everyone that I wasn't crazy. I will be a rockstar...I want to make the people that love me proud instead of embarrassed that I'm here going for it! I want to do everything right so I don't let anyone (ESPECIALLY myself) down. Unfortunately...I know it's going to happen, I have this sense of dread just waiting for the sky to tumble down around me. I'm trying to write down all these things that I need to be on post its, because honestly I can't remember all of it. I'm looking around and I feel like throwing up. I can't win. I can't succeed. I CANNOT be perfect. I WILL FAIL!

How did I get to this? When did I start convincing myself that this was all on me, and if I didn't hold up the world around me it was all going to come crashing down around me? When did all of this become about me and people pleasing...

I will never be enough. I will never be perfect. And I will NEVER be able to please people. But I am not living in Nashville, Tennessee, at Belmont University for me or for people, I am here because this is where the God of Moses, the God of David, and the God of Jonah wants me. (I picked those people because striving to make it in the Christian Music Industry looks pretty small in comparison to separating the ocean, killing a giant with a slingshot, and being swallowed by a whale lol :) This puny, small town, creatively challenged little girl is in this world to bring glory to her huge unchanging God. The minute I start to live to please anything other than Him is the moment my world DOES start to crumble down. I can trust in Him. I know He did not bring me here for nothing. He has made plans for my good . He has made plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) I trust that God will mold me and make me into the human being He needs me to be in order to bring Him glory. He is faithful and He has promised to never forsake me.
He is holy, He is mighty, and He loves me. He led me here for my good, He desires for me to be satisfied and happy in Him. :)

I want to encourage you, wherever you are in life, to surrender. Give up. You will never make people happy and you will never be happy without God. God loves us and the only way we can be satisfied or fulfilled or at peace is in Him. He is unchanging. He is holy. He is there for the taking. :)


"My heart is steadfast oh God; I will sing and make music with all my soul. Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you. O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted O God, above the heavens, and let your glory be over all the earth." Psalm 108:1-5
Lord let this be my prayer forever but especially in the next four years...