Rainbows, and Unicorns, and Cupcakes...Not...

Today was sort of a rough day. It's not that it was bad (well not until like 7:30pm) it's just SUPER long. I have like 6 classes on Tuesdays they start and 8 in the morning and end at 8:20 at night. Now I have a few hours in there so don't think I'm going to class 12 and half hours on Tuesdays, but it's enough classes to be a little stressful. I looked my best, and started my day off with exercise at 6 am. I got coffee at Bongo so I could function in class, and had little freak out moments throughout the day over forgetting which class I had to be at and if I had everything ready for that class. I ate dinner with a friend and by this time my heels were torn to shreds. (Remember how I said I looked my best...yea well after 2 days of walking in some seriously vicious heels and flats my feet were completely jacked up..), this wasn't a problem, I know just like the next girl that beauty is pain people and sometimes in order for me to feel like I can get through the day, I have to have confidence...and sometimes knowing that I look as cute as I can is 98% of that confidence. I hope I've painted a picture for you...the day was full of oppurtunities, to either succeed or fail. In the end I felt like it was sort of mediocre. I was exhausted from all the freak out sessions and the getting up at 5:30 to walk but I still had one more class to go...*dun dun DUN* music theory lab. Um first I would just like to say I had no idea what the heck this class was for. I was excited because someone under the age of 100 was teaching it and so that was promising (I love all my teachers it's just sorta refreshing to see a younger face) but I still didn't know what it was all about. I go in the class (trying not to limp but just making the fact that I walk on my toes stand out about 154 times more that it ever did because my heels were really starting to sting) and sit down. The class starts and we all say the usual our name, major, and the timeless question why Belmont? After that was done Ryan (the teacher) says, "We all have this wall we need to get past because we will have to sing alot in this class and so we might as well do it now."...hmm ok no problem.. I knew this day would come and it's fine I have five people before me and Ryan says we just need to sing a few lines of a song. Five people turned into four people, and four people turned to three people and before you know it it's my turn. At this point it's important you know every sense that was in action. I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up, cry, and hyperventilate all at once. I couldn't even freakin remember the words to Amazing Grace. I was stumbling around trying to grasp for words to a song.. ANY SONG. Finally I say, "Um ok lets go for Jesus Loves Me." The teacher is almost excited by this choice because I look so crazed and ridiculous. I then proceeded to sing the most wretched Jesus Loves Me I have ever attempted in my life. To add to it I nodded my head along with the rhythm because I was nervous and that is just what you do. Everyone clapped politely and smiled and said good job and moved along while I desired more than anything on Earth that God would strike me dead with lightning right then and there. The end of the class came and I limped outside yanked my shoes off and walked out into the middle of the courtyard and stopped. I was terrified and sick to my stomach. My gag reflex hadn't stopped spazzing since the tragedy in the classroom, and I was about to crumple onto the grass and cry in front of alot of people. (And I don't cry...it's like if someone is around my tear ducts get retarded) I was so depressed and was about to call Meagan to tell her how awful all this was and how I couldn't possibly do this and then I stopped. Me and God have something special...we exchange love letters. I write down my prayers (which are not always love letters I must admit) and He sends me lightning bugs, It's not always a lightning bug but that is my sure fire sign that God is right there in front of me telling me that He loves me and He's not ever going to leave me. So as I was standing there instead of calling my peeps I said, "God I need a lightning bug. I think I'm going to have some sort of breakdown if you don't give me a stinking light bug right here, right now." I looked around. I looked everywhere without moving. I was completely defeated and was about to walk away when RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME a little lightning bug flashed twice and then flew away.
I know this is a pretty typical, cheesy story similar to the ones you get in fwd emails all the time but I wanted you to know from someone that had a sucky day and doesn't feel all "Woo hoo Jesus is the bomb, and He fixes all my problems, and I never have to worry about anything, and blah blah blah" God is present and He will not leave you. My day still sucked a bit but He never left my side and He never will. He will sustain me and hold me. He will be enough and give me what I need to bring Him glory. To be honest I still feel down, and if someone walked up and offered me an entire gallon of Ben&Jerry's Chunkey Munkey ice cream I would probably eat the whole thing and not feel a bit sorry, but I know that there is a reason that I'm here. I know that if I seek HIm nothing can stop me from finding Him and glorfying Him. I shall rest in the Lord and find peace that surpasses all understanding. I would encourage you to do the same. I hope your day didn't suck but whoever you are, and wherever you are, realize that we have to let our fear and stress go. Whatever happens if you are His and He is yours...it's all going to be good. Because that is what the Lord, our Father, and Lover wants for us...our good.
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

Great Expectations...

So here I am at college!!! Things are great, the weather is beautiful, the people are sweet, and the music is...amazing. Now you should know that college isn't perfect. I'm feeling alot of things that I sort of expected and some I did not. The truth is I have alot of expectations for myself here. I am planning on working out (the freshman fifteen will NOT get me down!), being super involved, being amazing at music, developing study habits (since I have none), having straight A's, finding a church, being plugged into that church, never procrastinating, knowing everyone on campus, never getting lost, never being late to class, being great with money,writing great songs, never eating lunch by myself etc etc...I'm planning on being perfect. This is a time in my life where I can start over and be someone that I might've wanted to be but couldn't be...right? That's what everyone has told me. That this is the time to do things right. If I don't it could mean my future, my life, it could mean EVERYTHING. So shouldn't I shoot for the stars? Shouldn't I be that person? That person I've always wanted to be? The perfect person?... Well folks, college is great but it's no magic maker. Relocating to Nashville doesn't mean I will turn into Superwoman. The ugly truth is I am scared to death. I am scared to disappoint people. I'm afraid that I will never be enough. Sure I was great in Memphis, but I mean we have 2,479 people there. No offense but the competition wasn't all that fierce. Now I'm in Nashville taking this huge chance, wanting to prove to everyone that I wasn't crazy. I will be a rockstar...I want to make the people that love me proud instead of embarrassed that I'm here going for it! I want to do everything right so I don't let anyone (ESPECIALLY myself) down. Unfortunately...I know it's going to happen, I have this sense of dread just waiting for the sky to tumble down around me. I'm trying to write down all these things that I need to be on post its, because honestly I can't remember all of it. I'm looking around and I feel like throwing up. I can't win. I can't succeed. I CANNOT be perfect. I WILL FAIL!

How did I get to this? When did I start convincing myself that this was all on me, and if I didn't hold up the world around me it was all going to come crashing down around me? When did all of this become about me and people pleasing...

I will never be enough. I will never be perfect. And I will NEVER be able to please people. But I am not living in Nashville, Tennessee, at Belmont University for me or for people, I am here because this is where the God of Moses, the God of David, and the God of Jonah wants me. (I picked those people because striving to make it in the Christian Music Industry looks pretty small in comparison to separating the ocean, killing a giant with a slingshot, and being swallowed by a whale lol :) This puny, small town, creatively challenged little girl is in this world to bring glory to her huge unchanging God. The minute I start to live to please anything other than Him is the moment my world DOES start to crumble down. I can trust in Him. I know He did not bring me here for nothing. He has made plans for my good . He has made plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) I trust that God will mold me and make me into the human being He needs me to be in order to bring Him glory. He is faithful and He has promised to never forsake me.
He is holy, He is mighty, and He loves me. He led me here for my good, He desires for me to be satisfied and happy in Him. :)

I want to encourage you, wherever you are in life, to surrender. Give up. You will never make people happy and you will never be happy without God. God loves us and the only way we can be satisfied or fulfilled or at peace is in Him. He is unchanging. He is holy. He is there for the taking. :)


"My heart is steadfast oh God; I will sing and make music with all my soul. Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you. O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted O God, above the heavens, and let your glory be over all the earth." Psalm 108:1-5
Lord let this be my prayer forever but especially in the next four years...

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres...

I know it's been like a month and a half since I've blogged and although I'm sure that a total of eight people probably read this (and since I make my family read my blogs the first five don't really count lol) and don't sit around and think about how long it's been since they've read a blog by me, I have felt guilty. I have tried to be inspired. I have typed and finished many blogs only to read and find I was just rambling along. The problem is I am exhausted...Ever since I've been back from Christmas break my brain has been too crazy to go to sleep, but that is not the only reason I am exhausted. (I feel like such a drama queen when I say that but it is the truth. When you have black duffel bags underneath your eyes and people start to worry that you are on drugs, you are allowed to say you are exhausted) I don't know what it feels to be weary or haggard, but I must say that I imagine this is how it feels. I feel like the hits keep on coming. I hate to be called a hypochondriac or for people to read this and say "Honey you have no clue what it is to be weary or haggard." and that my friends is probably exactly right. There are so many people who have gone through the unimaginable, but it my little eighteen year old mind things pretty much suck right now. I admit that the first couple of punches or trials my family and I have faced, I have shaken off. "No biggie. This is fine. Things could be much worse and God can make this situation into something that will bring Him glory." But the final hit came the other day. Someone I love did something extremely stupid. My first reaction was a quiet rage. Something that went on only inside my head. "How could you do this to us? How could you do this to yourself? I've loved you and I've trusted you in spite of everything we have been through, but I am tired of this. You had so much going for you! I can't have compassion for you. You are hurting yourself. You had so many people that were rooting for you... I can't care about you anymore. It hurts too much. I cannot continue to love you, and be there for you if I can't trust you to love me and care for me back." The next thing I felt was regret. Regret that I had ever known them. Regret that God had asked me to love this person. Regret that this person came with so much baggage. Then I heard something someone told me a little while back. "Jesus saw what we were going to do before He died for us. He saw the hate and bitterness and selfishness that was and would continue to live in our hearts and He still died for us. He saw that we would disappoint Him and that He couldn't trust us but He still gave His life for us. He still loved us. Can we say that about the people who have let us down? Can we honestly say we would do it all again if we had known the pain we would endure because of them?" I was driving down the road to go to guitar and piano lessons just thinking and praying. I suddenly said out loud, "This is what it feels like to be You isn't it? To sacrifice and love someone and have them fail you and fail you and basically just yell screw you after you have given them so much....wow I am really sorry Jesus..." It was like God was right there in the car with me. He didn't yell at me but He spoke with the love and compassion of my awesome Father. "No, Reagan you are wrong. This is not what it feels like to be me. This is what it feels like to love with a totally selfish, conditional love and then be mad when things don't go the way you wanted them to. You gave a love that comes with conditions. You said I can only love you if I can trust you. I can only love you if you choose to love me in return. But Reagan I don't love like that. I love you with patience. I love you selflessly. I love you when you completely screw up. I love you when you reject me. I love you when you choose sin over me. Every time you fell down and couldn't face me because you were so ashamed, I didn't give up and walk away saying that I had done all I could do. I kept trying, I kept healing, I kept loving. When you had lied to me over and over again, I still believe in you. And I am giving you the strength and courage to love this person again. I am giving you the love that you have to offer and give to them. You cannot call it quits because I have not called it quits. Instead of looking to the other person to love you back, look to Me. When this person rejects you and disappoints you, look to Me and I will sustain you. I am enough for You. Trust Me." He is sufficient. I will love those who can't love me right now. I will love those who hurt me. I won't do these things so that I can brag or so that people will see me as a martyr for Christ. I will do it because Jesus did it for me. I will screw up. I will do some really stupid things, and God will not stop loving me. I am called to imitate Christ, I will love with the love that Jesus has given me.

"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full...Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Luke 6:32-34 and 40

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4,5&7

Masquerade No More...

A while back I heard Natalie Grant on the radio talking about the song "Perfect People". She said something extremely profound, something I hope never to forget. "Most times the people in the pew beside you are the ones hurting the most" I remember that word for word. She then went on to talk about the Christian mind set that we have to be perfect in front of people. We are completely terrified to admit how broken and screwed up we are because I mean, HELLO we are CHRISTIANS! You already have God you are supposed to Joel Olsteen it after you are saved. Ya know whistle a little tune, smile all the time, never miss a Sunday, etc. I am completely addicted to Jenny Simmons' (Addison Road lead singer) blog. But I must tell you that after I read her first blog I was really in a sort of rage. She talked about how her and her husband were having financial issues and how she was pretty depressed and then... she said all she had done for the past three days was layed in bed and cussed. Erk! Say what? "Um excuse me lady you are a CHRISTIAN singer you cannot I repeat CANNOT tell people you curse! That is totally crazy what will people think? It just disgusts me that someone who is supposed to be this role model for other Christians is walking around cussing and having the gall to tell people about it! It's people like you who say you're one thing and then live another that give us this image." After simmering on the blog all day I finally started thinking. "Reagan, are you a Christian? Yes. Have you cussed?...yep Have you cussed since being a christian?...I don't like where this is going what's your point..." I wasn't surprised that she messed up, I mess up all the time. I don't have some special hate for cussing...I was appalled and shocked that she had the guts to tell people that she was broken and that she didn't candy coat the situation or how she handled it. I was surprised that she didn't tell people that she just prayed about it and is completely at peace with the fact that it felt like her life was in shambles. Here is a newsflash for me: It's okay to tell people how much of a screw up you are. It's true I believe it now. The only way for me to be a person that God can use to touch people is to show them that even though I'm saved I am a complete rebellious human more times than not and just because I'm a christian it doesn't mean that I handle everything with the grace that Jesus did. The truth is I don't read my Bible every night. I sometime cuss (not just once like a whole list of profanity) when I stump my toe or spill an entire water bottle on my laptop. I have cheated on tests. I have been so obsessed with a guy that I would have given up anything to keep him, even sex.( which is just as bad as actually doing it) I have broken the law. I have made fun of people who have done nothing to me. I watch Grey's Anatomy often. I have not always honored my parents. The list goes on and on. I am one hundred million percent a screw up and sometimes I have to really dig myself in a hole before I decide that it might be a swell idea to throw down my pride and beg for the redemption that is already mine. But all of this makes me no less of a child of God. I'm still His. "But when Jesus heard this, He said, "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick.13"But go and learn what this means: I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,' for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners." ~Matthew 9:11-13. He is the only one that matters and the bitter sweet truth is there is no fooling Him. The fact is we can never truly cover up our flaws and scars but we can show people how the love of Christ holds us together, and picks us back up when we fall.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
~ 2 Corinthians 12:9