It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres...

I know it's been like a month and a half since I've blogged and although I'm sure that a total of eight people probably read this (and since I make my family read my blogs the first five don't really count lol) and don't sit around and think about how long it's been since they've read a blog by me, I have felt guilty. I have tried to be inspired. I have typed and finished many blogs only to read and find I was just rambling along. The problem is I am exhausted...Ever since I've been back from Christmas break my brain has been too crazy to go to sleep, but that is not the only reason I am exhausted. (I feel like such a drama queen when I say that but it is the truth. When you have black duffel bags underneath your eyes and people start to worry that you are on drugs, you are allowed to say you are exhausted) I don't know what it feels to be weary or haggard, but I must say that I imagine this is how it feels. I feel like the hits keep on coming. I hate to be called a hypochondriac or for people to read this and say "Honey you have no clue what it is to be weary or haggard." and that my friends is probably exactly right. There are so many people who have gone through the unimaginable, but it my little eighteen year old mind things pretty much suck right now. I admit that the first couple of punches or trials my family and I have faced, I have shaken off. "No biggie. This is fine. Things could be much worse and God can make this situation into something that will bring Him glory." But the final hit came the other day. Someone I love did something extremely stupid. My first reaction was a quiet rage. Something that went on only inside my head. "How could you do this to us? How could you do this to yourself? I've loved you and I've trusted you in spite of everything we have been through, but I am tired of this. You had so much going for you! I can't have compassion for you. You are hurting yourself. You had so many people that were rooting for you... I can't care about you anymore. It hurts too much. I cannot continue to love you, and be there for you if I can't trust you to love me and care for me back." The next thing I felt was regret. Regret that I had ever known them. Regret that God had asked me to love this person. Regret that this person came with so much baggage. Then I heard something someone told me a little while back. "Jesus saw what we were going to do before He died for us. He saw the hate and bitterness and selfishness that was and would continue to live in our hearts and He still died for us. He saw that we would disappoint Him and that He couldn't trust us but He still gave His life for us. He still loved us. Can we say that about the people who have let us down? Can we honestly say we would do it all again if we had known the pain we would endure because of them?" I was driving down the road to go to guitar and piano lessons just thinking and praying. I suddenly said out loud, "This is what it feels like to be You isn't it? To sacrifice and love someone and have them fail you and fail you and basically just yell screw you after you have given them so much....wow I am really sorry Jesus..." It was like God was right there in the car with me. He didn't yell at me but He spoke with the love and compassion of my awesome Father. "No, Reagan you are wrong. This is not what it feels like to be me. This is what it feels like to love with a totally selfish, conditional love and then be mad when things don't go the way you wanted them to. You gave a love that comes with conditions. You said I can only love you if I can trust you. I can only love you if you choose to love me in return. But Reagan I don't love like that. I love you with patience. I love you selflessly. I love you when you completely screw up. I love you when you reject me. I love you when you choose sin over me. Every time you fell down and couldn't face me because you were so ashamed, I didn't give up and walk away saying that I had done all I could do. I kept trying, I kept healing, I kept loving. When you had lied to me over and over again, I still believe in you. And I am giving you the strength and courage to love this person again. I am giving you the love that you have to offer and give to them. You cannot call it quits because I have not called it quits. Instead of looking to the other person to love you back, look to Me. When this person rejects you and disappoints you, look to Me and I will sustain you. I am enough for You. Trust Me." He is sufficient. I will love those who can't love me right now. I will love those who hurt me. I won't do these things so that I can brag or so that people will see me as a martyr for Christ. I will do it because Jesus did it for me. I will screw up. I will do some really stupid things, and God will not stop loving me. I am called to imitate Christ, I will love with the love that Jesus has given me.

"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full...Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Luke 6:32-34 and 40

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4,5&7